For me, growing up with depression had a huge impact on my abilities to express myself in a clear way.
It was like my thoughts were drowning in the middle of a stormy ocean fighting to make their way to the surface to catch painful breaths, only to be thrown back down to fight again.
That time and constant struggle has passed. However, I go between two ways of thinking about the present:
On good days, I feel as though I’ve found a safe surface and I’m learning to breathe.
On difficult days, it feels as though I’ve given up on the struggle to come up to the surface; I have peacefully accepted that I’m going to drown.
Thankfully, the good days are more frequent and rigorous than the difficult ones.
I’m also grateful that even on those bad days, it’s not burdened chaos. I’m lucky in that my depression was related to my environment; for me it’s behavioral rather than biochemical.
Know that everyone deals with their struggles in different ways. Find comfort in knowing we universally share similar experiences-like joy or depression-but how you experience those things and the methodology of coping may be different than others.
For some the road may be harder than others but you can’t control that. What you can control is how you deal with it.
It may be a little scary in that there’s no clear prescribed path or “cure” to follow, but I’d put it to you that it is also liberating. Don’t give up if one method doesn’t work for you. It may be that other roads will.
I hope your road will be an easy one. If not, I hope you find the strength to get through and enjoy the journey.